“Transforming Breakdowns into Breakthroughs”
GOALS:
A more aware awake You, In Touch with Your Feelings, Emotions and Needs.
To Know the depths of My Needs, and How to Ask For Them.
To share love no matter what.
Learn to communicate with my partner in ways that open My heart.
Create greater intimacy outside the bedroom.
Conflicts and disagreements are the opportunity to create more love.
Find our co-creation and matching pictures as the result of conflict.
Our love and relationship are the vehicle to know and experience God in our bodies. The synergy of our love is the foundation of our continued awakening, instilling the desire to serve.
AGREEMENTS:
I take these tools seriously and will not use anger or sarcasm to discount them.
We agree to not end this relationship. Not blaming, shaming, or guilting our partner.
We agree to not threaten breaking up or leaving the relationship.
We agree to do this with each other in our relationship for the next _______ months.
DEALING WITH TRIGGERS:
TOOLS:
Both parties agree to record any conversations for personal support. Recordings may only be shared with both partners in the room or our therapist, guide, coach.
When someone gets triggered, say “Ouch” all parties agree to stop talking, person who is hurt is to share feelings/emotions using “I “ statements, It is mandatory to use Active Listening at this time. Time Outs are Optional.
Use “I” Statements with words of feeling, (taken form list if necessary).
“I” statements mean to speak with vulnerability. Share your emotional pain in the present or what is getting triggered from the past. Open yourself up and share. This sends the message to your partner you are not going to attack or criticize them. Go belly up!
when you ___________ I feel or felt……………..
Stay in this for as long as it takes.
And what I want/need is……………………….
Active Listening:
The goal of active listening is to create a safe place to be heard, felt and seen by your partner. This is not the place to judge, analyze or try to fix your partner. It is a safe place to be heard and felt. By repeating back what you hear, your partner becomes validated for their experience and feels safe.
Remember these are your partners feelings and may not reflect your memory or position on any given subject. In fact they are most assuredly different. Just hear them. To truly listen you must forget yourself.
Use short sound bites so the listener can retain the experience and feedback
When they say “I” you repeat back “You”
Repeat the main points and feelings of your partner
Really listen trying to forget yourself and hear your partner
Try and hear from THEIR perspective of feeling, this is where empathy really helps
When you think they are done, Ask, “Is there anything more?”
Keep Listening let them get it out
Next it is your turn, repeat the process
It is the communicators responsibility to be heard !
DURING ACTIVE LISTENING:
Be aware of body language:
Avoid:
Eye Rolls
Making faces
Breath, with he feeling “are you done yet, or “oh come on.”
Gestures that deflect or antagonize
DO:
Listen with openness and presence
TIME OUTS:
When either partner gets overwhelmed or shut down during conflict, ask for time out, to take space: The associated behaviors may include:
Yelling
Screaming
Name Calling
Interrupting
Blame/Complaining
Finger pointing
Goes silent or numb
Do not use a Time Out to try and understand from a logical standpoint why this all happened. Do not use a Time Out to get rid of the experience, “get centered”, or no longer feel triggered. Use a Time Out to move energy, there are multiple ways to do this. The conflict happened to give your feelings expression and to expose your needs so they have the possibility of being met. This will allow you become more whole within yourself. After the time out share your feelings and what you are going through.
THE PRIMARY GOALS OF A TIME OUT ARE TO:
Stop conflict from escalating
Move emotional energy by blowing off steam, hit pillow, scream into pillow, throw tantrum, lay on bed flail body, shower. By doing this you can come back to some level of rational behavior.
Time Outs and Time:
The partner taking space needs to state amount of time to be alone, and agrees to return at that time.
If they are still not ready to check in with partner before due time and ask for more.
Time past 1 hour is questionable (no leaving the property), Take space in home or on property.
The idea is to blow off excessive emotional energy so you do not say or do something you regret. Stay in the energy of the conflict reconvene with your partner and use communication tools to move through it.
Never go to bed with unresolved hurts. If it gets to late set a time to meet and resolve the next day. Make sure you keep that agreement.
JUST AS IMPORTANT IN CONFLICT RESOLUTION IS THE BUILDING OF TRUST AND LOVE, THE FOUNDATION OF A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS BUILT COMMUNICATION AND CONNECTION:
Hugs
Eyes Gazing
Touch/Presenceing
Share gratitude’s/compliments
Evening Review, aka Heart Space Talks
Practice equally giving and receiving, they cannot be done at the same time.
I ______________________________ agree to these terms and promise to keep to them to the best of my ability.
I ______________________________ agree to these terms and promise to keep to them to the best of my ability.
Dated:__________________________
Jim Verghis 505 466 4344 www.behavioraliridology.com Copyright 2012 BI